How do developers and publishers decide what goes into a sequel? Presumably it’s based on consumer and critical feedback, unused ideas, technical limitations and innovations, and narrative consistency. Bo-ring! What they should do is, as we all know, add one letter to the title of the previous game and go from there. That will produce some fantastic and innovative games, for example:
Fridge Racer
Race refrigerators at breakneck speeds around the world. Over 25 fully licensed teams including Smeg, LG, Whirlpool, Bosch, and Hotpoint. Pimp your fridge! Hundreds of unlockable decals (fridge magnets) plus spoilers and nitro attachments. Work your way up to the FFWC (Fridge Freezer World Championship) featuring notorious fridge pilots Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, and – as a sexy unlockable extra – Nigella Lawson. Also includes Vintage Mode, best viewed through rose tinted specs. Classic fridge pilots Rusty Lee, Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, and Gary Rhodes all lend their likenesses to the game.
Call of Duty: Black Cops
In keeping with the industry’s obsession with American movies and TV, Black Cops features plenty of African-American stereotypes. Dozens of black police chiefs who are harsh but fair, who become increasingly frustrated with their best detective; a white guy who Doesn’t Play By The Rules. The Black Cops are prone to raising their voices during conversation, usually because the DA is on their ass.
Gold of War
In which we learn the true reasons behind the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Satire!
No Morse Heroes
With Inspector Morse gone, Lewis is forced to strike out on his own. The solo show meets with a lukewarm reception; in a bid to increase ratings, Lewis is given a lightsaber and permission to decapitate shoplifters. He then goes on to dismember and disembowel his rivals, with the aim of becoming the number one TV detective. Bosses include Frost, Columbo, Poirot, Kojak, and Batfink. The endgame is a tense one-on-one with Miss Marple, who is trained in the ways of the ninja. In order to save the game, you must watch John Thaw going to the toilet.
"They want to motion capture me doing WHAT?!?"
Superb Monkey Ball
Which primate has the most impressive testicles? You decide!
Command and Conquers
School themed RTS that centres around turn – based conker combat. Also includes highly addictive versions of Dead Arm and 40 40.
The Simsh
Narrated by Sir Sean Connery.
Guitar Heron
Rhythm action game where all the characters are musically gifted wading birds. Over 40 licensed tracks from artists including The Birds, Wings, The Eagles, and The Pigeon Detectives.
Shilent Hill
Narrated by Sir Sean Connery.
Halon
Thrilling sci-fi FPS that takes you on a rollercoaster ride through the world of iodomethane, tribromofluoromethane, dibromodifluoromethane, and even tetrafluoromethane. SPOILER: Final level features surprise appearance from dibromotetrafluoroethane. Also fire extinguishers.
In - game footage
Fart Cry
Over 20 hours of gameplay, thanks to the two distinct game modes. In the first, your farts sound like you’re crying. In the second, when you cry it sounds like you’re farting. Winner of the N4G Game of the Year Award 2008,2009,2010.
Battlefield: Band Company
A lighthearted look at the horrors of war, as told by a military brass band. Soundtrack features the work of Glenn Miller.
Naughty Beard
Psychotic facial hair escapes from the chin of a startled biker, and goes on a murderous rampage.
Mental Gear Solid
Solid Snake loses it completely, declaring himself to be the emperor of cheese. He then goes on to call everybody he meets ‘Mr Bungalow’, and eventually marries a toaster.
Wouldn’t the games industry – nay, the world – be a better place if this were how sequels were designed? I feel confident when I say you would join me in buying each and every one of the games listed above. Don’t give us sport game updates where nothing changes but the kit and the haircuts; don’t give us identikit brown and grey shooters; give us games where we break sorrowful wind.
Are you listening, publishers?
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