Last week I detailed my plans for a videogame adaptation of the Old Testament, and offered the rights to all interested Christian denominations. After some intense bidding, I’m close to sealing the deal with either Queen Elizabeth II (head of the Church of England) or Pope Benedict XVI (head of the Catholic Church). I’m sorry to say that there was brief but disturbing violence during negotiations.
It will all start again soon, as I present here for their and everybody else’s consideration my proposal for the sequel; The New Testament.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was sex. People were begetting all over the place and lo, they didn’t half enjoy it. A long and fruitful lineage was borne of this filth, which led to the birth of Jesus Christ, son of God, to the man Joseph and the woman Mary.
“Mary, you should become wise in the ways of Pontius Pilates, for you have grown plump in the stomach.” quoth Joseph.
“I am with child.” said Mary.
“How did this come to pass? For you have had a mighty headache for three months, or so you have said unto me.”
“Um… an angel, er… came unto me and said that I was to, er, carry the child of the Lord our God.” quoth Mary, looking not into the eyes of Joseph.
“So it had nothing to do with Ezekiel from number 42 then?” asked Joseph.
“No.” mumbled Mary. And that was the end of the matter.
The opening 100 levels will get the player’s attention, because they’re all about sex! There are dozens of playable characters but, this being a good Christian game, only one position. It will of course be tastefully done; I suggest bringing in David Cage so that he can help us develop sex scenes as sensitively and professionally handled as those in Fahrenheit (AKA Indigo Prophecy) and Heavy Rain. The interactive sex scenes in those games were not awkward or laughable in the slightest. No. Not one little bit.
So it came to pass that the man Joseph and the woman Mary were blessed with the little baby Jesus. But o, his poo stank to high heaven. Bathing was a challenge from God, for the child would float upon the surface of the water and refuse to submerge.
Image from the planned Transformers expansion pack; Jesus vs Unicron.
In later years, when he could walk upon the face of the Earth unaided, the Lord Jesus developed habits that his mortal parents did not entirely approve of. He would squash the small insects of the earth, and raise them from the dead so that he might squash them once again. He bestowed monkey tails upon his peers for his own amusement, and would often turn his father’s wine into water. He once made his mother develop unnatural feelings for a potato for three days, as a result of an argument about leaving his sandals in the middle of the living room.
Clearly a Babysitting Mama clone, complete with doll that speaks several Bible quotes, is called for here as a way of encouraging younger gamers to join in. The toddler to early teenage years will play out as an action platformer, in the vein of Psychonauts.
Much time passed, and many things happened, of which we shall not speak here. Eventually, the Lord Jesus took himself into the desert for forty days and forty nights, and fasted. There the demon Satan, who was the fallen angel Lucifer, came unto him and offered many temptations.
“You are hungry” said Satan “and you have no food. But lo, you have many wondrous powers like David Blaine or something. So why not turn these stones into bread? For bread is most yummy, and full of polyunsaturates.”
“You can not tempt me, Satan.” quoth the Lord.
“If you’re so damn great, then climb you to the top of this temple which is in the middle of the desert for some reason. Jump you from there, for is it not written that God will send some angels to catch you or something?”
“It is also written, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God’.”
“Bow down to me.” snarled Satan. “On your knees and worship me but for a second, and I shall give thee kingdoms and gold and shiny things and a golden Ferdinand Match Attax card.”
“Thou shalt worship none but the Lord your God.” quoth Jesus.
40 days, 40 nights, 40 temptations… 40 minigames. There’s only so many ways you can interpret resisting temptation, so some of them will have to be WarioWare style microgames.
Many more things came to pass. After these things came another thing, which was the betrayal of Jesus. The disciple Judas betrayed the Lord Jesus to the Romans for thirty pieces of silver.
“I can take you to him.” said Judas.
“How shall we know which one is he who calls himself king of the Jews?”
“I shall kiss him on the cheek.” said Judas, who was Different. “Thus shall you know him as the one you seek.”
So it came to pass that Judas returned to Jesus, with soldiers following him close behind.
“I have returned, my lord!” cried Judas, and kissed Jesus upon the cheek.
“Get off me you homo.” quoth the Lord Jesus Christ.
Soldiers descended upon the place where Jesus was, and took him away to the palace of exercise guru Pontius Pilates.
“I wash my hands of this man, and so on and so forth.” said Pontius unto his people.
Judas tried to return his thirty pieces of silver. “He treats me badly but I love him.” he sobbed. But the deed was done; and so Judas returned to his house and hanged himself.
The thirty pieces of silver were used to buy ground to “bury strangers in” (Matthew 27:7), and never was it specified whether these strangers were dead or alive at the time of burial.
Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Though I have here written an unerringly accurate representation of events, I think that a little artistic license needs to be taken in the context of the game. A cutscene introduces Judas’ betrayal, after which the player is put in control of Jesus Christ Himself. The game then becomes a homage to Streets of Rage (or, perhaps more appropriately, Final Fight) as Jesus uses His street fighting moves to break through the swarms of Roman soldiers. Kick hard enough and your sandals – or ‘Jesus Creepers’ – become retrievable projectiles for long-range attacks.
No matter how hard you fight however, the final boss will knock you out by hitting you over the head with a copy of ’15 Minute Everyday Pontius Pilates’. There is then a bonus game (making use of the Wii Balance Board, PlayStation Eye, or Kinect depending on format) where the player is encouraged to wash their hands as energetically as possible.
This New Testament sequel will be two games in one, however. In order to attract the more cynical elements of today’s youth, there will be a second game included on the disc, which will feature prominently in the game’s art, promotion and advertising. That game is:
Jesus Christ’s Zombie Apocalypse
Zombies have been hugely popular amongst young people in the gaming world since the first Resident Evil, and this popularity has only grown in recent years. Why not take advantage of this? Jesus Christ, after all, is the ultimate zombie master. He created the first zombie in recorded history (Lazarus) and, after raising himself from the dead after his crucifixion, became a hugely powerful zombie himself.
Jesus Christ’s Zombie Apocalypse presents an alternate Biblical history. Jesus suffered no interruptions after the resurrection of Lazarus; he went on to quickly and methodically create zombies across Israel, and then the whole of the Roman Empire, and eventually the world. Who will stand against Jesus and his global army of the evil undead?
Enter Judas.
“I’m the only one who’ll take on the holy army of undead.” quoth Judas, spitting upon the ground. “The only one brave enough, or the only one stupid enough? Give me a shotgun, and you can say what the hell you want.”
As he ripped the arms off another zombie, Judas snarled into the beast’s face: “I got a message for Zombie Jesus. I’m just here to kick ass and chew papyrus – and I’m all outta papyrus.”
Not another mythical event in the middle east with a video game after it .