The item crafting of Far Cry 4 (yes, 4)

I’ve been playing Far Cry 3, a heartwarming tale of a psychotic young American man with a rucksack that stinks of the bloodied animal skins within. Fun as it is to wonder why it takes two skinned tapirs to craft one medium sized wallet, and why it even occurred to Mr Brody to make a rudimentary handbag out of a pig’s head (or whatever it is he does), it’s got me thinking about the future. The future of the Far Cry franchise, and the crafting that could – should – make an appearance in Far Cry 4. Here are what I’m sure you will agree are some superb ideas; and if anybody could see fit to pass them on to Ubisoft, that would be lovely.

Oh, how I laughed when I chased a goat with a submachine gun (I had the gun, the goat was unarmed so far as I know) and emptied a whole clip without success. Fun, yes, but unproductive. Far Cry 4 needs to offer more animals to hunt that not only offer no threat, but also won’t take off at high speed as soon as they smell the combination of sweat, animal entrails and sheer insanity that you doubtless emanate. I suggest domestic cats. They rarely attack without provocation, and will usually do no more than give you a look of complete disgust when you approach them.

But why would you want to hunt cats? Well, isn’t it obvious? The reflective properties of cat eyes would make them perfect for your bicycle. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, you have a bicycle in Far Cry 4. Anyway, harvest the eyes from a large number of cats, dry and glaze them, and hey presto – you have spokey dokeys (ask your dad) for your bike that double as reflectors. Not good for stealth missions, obviously, but still pretty cool. As an added bonus, cat legs – with the skin pulled up at the paws to expose the claws – make excellent, comfortable to hold bonsai garden rakes. Sell them for cash to upgrade your weapons!

My first few suggestions won’t sit well with all of you, I know. The crafted goods aren’t ‘action’ enough for the hip young peoples of today. Very well! The next animal you shall be able to hunt will be hippopotamuses… hippopotami… um… hippos. Hippos are deadly, making the hunt itself an enjoyable challenge. Did you know, for example, that hippos kill more people in Africa every year than any other animal (I think)? This may be partly due to the fact that – and I’m not making this up – hippos are bulletproof. Yes, really.

Once you’ve killed the hippo, possibly by cutting the brake line in its car, you’re faced with the enormous task of somehow skinning the thing. A long, drawn out process I’m sure, but it’ll be worth it. Hollow out a hippo, and what have you got? That’s right – a foolproof, bulletproof disguise for your bicycle. Sure, park your bicycle in the hippo disguise to prevent it being stolen by a monkey or something, but it’s also a brilliant way to cycle up to stalk your enemies unawares. If worst comes to the worst and your cover is blown, you’ll still have a significant advantage. Not least because any reinforcements arriving on the scene will hesitate when they see a hippo skating along the ground, spewing bullets from its mouth.

Another wild animal to hunt with plenty of potential is the tiger. Yes, you could hunt tigers in Far Cry 3, but what a wasted opportunity that was! The developers have a chance to make up for it in the sequel. There are three obvious crafting uses for a tiger, all of which were ignored in the current game. First of all, nutrition (e.g. health giving items). As we all know, Frosties are tiger skin flakes, and you can get at least three family packs worth from an adult male.

Secondly – and forgive me for repeating myself here – there are the eyes. I’m not running out of ideas, it’s just a fact that all different sorts of cats have eyes that would be useful for things other than allowing said cats to see things. These eyes would make excellent consumables for any videogame protagonist, as the eye of the tiger is basically the thrill of the fight, allowing you to rise up to the challenge of your rivals. Then of course, any tiger worth its salt is carrying around four feet/paws with it. Cut these off and wear them as adventuring boots, and you’ll win the adulation of friends and enemies alike. “That’s neat.” your friends will say. “That’s neat.” your enemies will agree. “That’s neat.” you will say yourself. “That’s neat.” you’ll say together. “I sure love your tiger feet.” absolutely everybody will say.

Picture the scene; your target is right in the middle of a densely populated village. Nobody suspects your true intentions – yet – but you’re an outsider. If you try walking (or cycling) straight through the village directly to the target, you’ll be challenged – possibly attacked – long before you get there, giving him ample time to escape. You need to befriend the locals; to fit in. Time for some more crafting.

First, leopards. Hunt and skin a few, craft a collection of leggings, and you’re ready to win the affections of any middle-aged cockney women lurking about. There will of course be plenty of children in any village – how to get on the right side of them? Well, all young kids love balloon animals, right? Unfortunately, your character has no balloon manipulation skills, being as he is an experienced killer on a bicycle rather than a party magician. The way to get around this is, of course, more crafting. Far Cry 4 will have poodles. Poodles everywhere. Wild ones, domesticated ones, partially domesticated ones – every kind of poodle you can possibly imagine.

You can see what’s coming, can’t you.

Yup – hunt and skin poodles but this time, discard the skins. Dry out the innards, fill them with helium, and paint them bright blue (for boys) and bright pink (for girls) and insert string and/or ribbon… somewhere. Balloon animals the easy way! The children will be delighted, and their new toys won’t start to smell until you’re long gone.

It won’t all be work, work, work in Far Cry 4. You’ll have a homestead to retreat to, a kind of game hub if you will. You’ll be able to decorate and customise your place, mostly through – oh yes – crafting. For example, allow me to return to dogs if I may. Hollowed out puppies make comfortable (and cool looking!) slippers. Hush Puppies, indeed. For best results, capture a very young puppy of a breed that grows large; a doberman, for example. You can then keep it as a pet to look after between adventures until it’s grown to your perfect shoe size, at which point you can kill it.

Finally, you’ll want a decent TV setup to go home to. Perhaps even a game to play on it; a game within a game, imagine that. Crazy! Anyway, not even a videogame hero (with a bicycle) can craft electronics out of warm squishy animals. There’s nothing to stop him making attractive housings for these electronics from animal skins, however. The skin from an elephant head can make an excellent cover for a widescreen TV (the ears will house the speakers). Remove the trunk, obviously. That will make an excellent cable tidy.

Why stop at the main TV unit? You can make a comfortable and unique cover for your remote control, too. Carefully stalk, kill and skin a meerkat, dry and cut it to the perfect size, and there you have it. Simples!